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Apology Pending

At some point in Australia’s future a prime minister will stand before parliament and deliver an apology for this shameful episode in Australia’s history. He or she (News Corp permitting) will talk of the abuse of children in detention, carried out in Australia’s name. They will express profound regret at the passing of laws that are an affront to human rights and the medical profession’s duty of care.

More like India

Here are the pros and cons of Australia becoming more like India.

Pros: Gina Rinehart has less red tape to worry about, making it easier for her to increase her $15.5 billion fortune.

Cons: The average Australian wage decreases from $87,700 to $1,950. Infant mortality increases from 0.3% to 4.1%. Child malnutrition goes from effectively 0% to 30.7%. The number of people living in poverty increases from 13.9% to 29.8%. Public debt increases from 29.8% to 66.7% of GDP and life expectancy drops by 16 years.

Conclusion of Gina’s book: The pros far outweigh the cons.

A Guide to Owning Your Own Home

The Louise Abbott four step guide to owning your own home:
1. Get your dad to become Prime Minister.
2. Once your dad is Prime Minister ask him to use his influence to secure you a high paying job in the Department of Foreign Affairs.
3. Have your dad sack one third of the public service, resulting in house prices in Canberra remaining steady due to all the former public servents moving out.
4. Buy a house in Canberra.

Congratulations, you have now become a first time home owner without the need for government handouts or entitlements.

No experience necessary

"If you've got a good job and it pays good money and you have security in relation to that job, then you can go to the bank and you can borrow money and that's readily affordable."
- Treasurer Joe Hockey's advice on how to buy a house

Looking for a good job that pays good money? Worried you lack the experience/qualifications necessary to get that job? Can't be arsed working very hard? Why not apply for the position of Federal Treasurer?

Feck Off Grahame Morris!

“The trigger was a vote in Ireland. Now I love the Irish, the parliament is full of Irishmen but, these are people who can’t grow potatoes, who have a mutant lawn weed as their national symbol and they can’t verbalise the difference between tree and the number three. And then all of a sudden, Australia has to follow suit.”

- Liberal Party Adviser Grahame Morris

Not actually for sale

News just to hand: Treasurer Smokin’ Joe Hockey has won his defamation case against Fairfax Media. Hockey has been awarded $200,000 in compensation, which should help cover a couple of weeks rent in one of his wife’s Canberra properties before he claims it back off the tax-payer.

The Australian Oath of Allegiance.

“I, ...., do swear that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Her heirs and successors according to law. So Help Me God.”

End the Madness!

Double Dipping

"You cannot double dip, you cannot get parental leave paid from your employer and taxpayers"
- Joe Hockey

Says the man who claims $270 a night from taxpayers to stay at a property owned by his wife.

How does he get away with it? By listing that property (and the rest of his $10+ million portfolio) solely under his wife's name and claiming he has no interest in it.

A New Work of Fiction

Canberra's fish in a barrel, Christopher Pyne, is writing a book. The fixer will be penning his memoirs in a format best suited to his political style, a children's book. The rivetingly titled "A Letter to my Children" is the education minister's first attempt at writing a book, as well as his first attempt at paying attention to school kids, albeit his own. If he manages to read it to them all the way through, that'll be a first as well.


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