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Imaginary Spears, Imaginary Injuries

With all the recent attention on Adam Goodes and Lewis Jetta regarding the hurling of imaginary spears at opposing fans who have booed Adam Goodes, many people have overlooked the real victims of these events. I refer of course to those who have suffered imaginary injury as a result of those imaginary spears being thrown. Hurling imaginary spears at football fans is a very dangerous imaginary activity and unless the AFL acts soon in stamping out this disturbing trend then it is only a matter of time before they have an imaginary death on their hands.

All through the town

The helicopter blades go swoosh, swoosh, swoosh,
swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh.
The helicopter blades go swoosh, swoosh swoosh, all through the town.

The Speaker of the House goes ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching,
ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching.
The Speaker of the House goes ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching, all through the town.

The Treasurer out of depth goes cut, cut , cut,
cut, cut, cut, cut, cut cut.
The Treasurer out of depth goes cut, cut, cut, all through the town.

The Six Million Dollar Man

Tony Abbott may be the most out of his depth Australian Prime Minister since Harold Holt, but that hasn't stopped him claiming the equivalent of over 475 years worth of Newstart allowance payments in expenses since 2010.

Here is a list of Tony Abbott's Parliamentary Entitlements claims for the last five years. They do not include his annual salary ($507,338 per annum), housing, transport or clothing allowances.

2010 $925,806.26
2011 $1,105,304.25
2012 $1,000,072.99
2013 $1,218,635.70
2014 $1,763,880.95
Total: $6,013,700.15

Team Australia's mascot

The Mackay branch of Australia’s foremost neo-fascist organisation and potential future Coalition partner, Reclaim Australia, is happy to announce their guest speaker this Saturday will be none other than LNP parliamentarian, Team Australia mascot and chief spokesperson on government hypocrisy George ‘the Moose’ Christensen.

Out of cite, out of mind

“Study after study, time and time again, shows that children benefit from having a father and mother. That is the foundation that marriage provides, and has provided for millennia…For our children's sake it needs to continue to do so.”

- Eric Abetz, Government Leader in the Senate and opponent of marriage equality

Apology Pending

At some point in Australia’s future a prime minister will stand before parliament and deliver an apology for this shameful episode in Australia’s history. He or she (News Corp permitting) will talk of the abuse of children in detention, carried out in Australia’s name. They will express profound regret at the passing of laws that are an affront to human rights and the medical profession’s duty of care.

More like India

Here are the pros and cons of Australia becoming more like India.

Pros: Gina Rinehart has less red tape to worry about, making it easier for her to increase her $15.5 billion fortune.

Cons: The average Australian wage decreases from $87,700 to $1,950. Infant mortality increases from 0.3% to 4.1%. Child malnutrition goes from effectively 0% to 30.7%. The number of people living in poverty increases from 13.9% to 29.8%. Public debt increases from 29.8% to 66.7% of GDP and life expectancy drops by 16 years.

Conclusion of Gina’s book: The pros far outweigh the cons.

A Guide to Owning Your Own Home

The Louise Abbott four step guide to owning your own home:
1. Get your dad to become Prime Minister.
2. Once your dad is Prime Minister ask him to use his influence to secure you a high paying job in the Department of Foreign Affairs.
3. Have your dad sack one third of the public service, resulting in house prices in Canberra remaining steady due to all the former public servents moving out.
4. Buy a house in Canberra.

Congratulations, you have now become a first time home owner without the need for government handouts or entitlements.

No experience necessary

"If you've got a good job and it pays good money and you have security in relation to that job, then you can go to the bank and you can borrow money and that's readily affordable."
- Treasurer Joe Hockey's advice on how to buy a house

Looking for a good job that pays good money? Worried you lack the experience/qualifications necessary to get that job? Can't be arsed working very hard? Why not apply for the position of Federal Treasurer?

Feck Off Grahame Morris!

“The trigger was a vote in Ireland. Now I love the Irish, the parliament is full of Irishmen but, these are people who can’t grow potatoes, who have a mutant lawn weed as their national symbol and they can’t verbalise the difference between tree and the number three. And then all of a sudden, Australia has to follow suit.”

- Liberal Party Adviser Grahame Morris

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