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Tony Abbott’s concession speech 14/09/2015

Credit where it’s due, Mr Abbott's address to the nation following his party room defeat last night would have to rank as his finest speech to date. Not only did he list every achievement and success of his one year and 361 day reign, but he also demonstrated the humility, good grace and devotion to the national interest that characterised his time as Prime Minister.
As Mr Turnbull said in his victory speech:

“I want to say at the outset what a great debt the nation owes and the party owes, the government owes to Tony Abbott”

Remaining bullish

Congratulations to the Abbott government on achieving 0.2% economic growth last quarter. Thanks to the fiscal brilliance of Joe Hockey we came in just behind economic power house Greece (0.9%).

Smokin’ Joe claims this result is in line with the government's overarching expectation. Given we’re now experiencing the worst nominal growth figures since 1961 I assume he means the government’s overarching expectation of dragging this country back to the 1950’s.

Judge Rule Himself Legit

After two weeks of considering his position at a cost of $3000 per hour to the taxpayer, Dyson Heydon has decided to remain in charge of the Royal Commission into Trade Unions, citing consistency as the main reason for his decision.

What your government thinks of you

If you’re concerned about the environment you’re a “vigilante litigant”
If you’re a member of a union you’re an “economic traitor”
If you’re a working mother claiming maternity leave you’re a “double dipper” (unless you’re married to Mathias Cormann or Josh Frydenberg)
If you’re an ABC employee you’re part of a “lefty lynch mob”
If you’re an asylum seeker you’re “Illegal”
If you’re concerned about human rights you’re “blatantly politically partisan” and if you investigate allegations of human rights abuses for the UN you’re a “disgrace”

MP’s Terror Ordeal!

Terror struck in the nation’s capital yesterday when Liberal MP Craig Laundy narrowly survived a brush with death after received a letter laced with dangerous quantities of glitter. The letter was one of 99 sent by extremist elements of GetUp to government MPs in protest at their lack of action on same-sex marriage.

UNLEASH TABLOIDS

Exclusive: Push for Murdoch journalists to rescue besieged Government

With the Australian Government still realling from the recent detonation of speaker Bronwyn Bishop, and a series of strategic and tactical blunders leading to the collapse of Government campaigns on all fronts, Commander in Chief, General Abbott, has called in the special forces.

Soldiers from the Special News Ltd Services Propoganda and Public Distractions Battalion swung into action today in a desperate attempt to divert shelling towards ISIS.

Obituary: Bronwyn Bishop's political career 1987-2015.

Bronwyn Bishop's political career, which died tragically in a helicopter crash earlier this week, will be remembered as an inexhaustible source of humorous memes and a monumental waste of taxpayers' money.

The Buck Stops Here

So just to recap:

Bronwyn Bishop’s demise is the fault of the entitlements system.

The $35 billion budget deficit blowout under Hockey is the fault of the previous government.

Tony Abbott’s broken election promises are the fault of the Australian people for misinterpreting him.

Allegations of child abuse in immigration detention are the fault of a partisan Human Rights Commissioner.

The resignations of 12 State and Federal Liberal MPs following corruption investigations by ICAC were the fault of confusion over the ban on developer donations.

The National Association of Retired Sporting Dickheads Media Realease

The National Association of Retired Sporting Dickheads (NARSD) proudly stands by comments made by its members Shane Warne, Jason Ackermanis and Sam Newman in condemning the behaviour of Adam Goodes. Warne, Ackermanis and Newman are three of the NARSDs longest serving and most highly regarded dickheads.

Imaginary Spears, Imaginary Injuries

With all the recent attention on Adam Goodes and Lewis Jetta regarding the hurling of imaginary spears at opposing fans who have booed Adam Goodes, many people have overlooked the real victims of these events. I refer of course to those who have suffered imaginary injury as a result of those imaginary spears being thrown. Hurling imaginary spears at football fans is a very dangerous imaginary activity and unless the AFL acts soon in stamping out this disturbing trend then it is only a matter of time before they have an imaginary death on their hands.

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