A Reclaimed Australia

Yesterday Australia’s own far-right wing group, the United Patriots Front, announced their plans to form a new political party to run candidates in the next Federal election. The announcement was heralded by one of the UPF's leaders, Sherman Burgess:

"Aussie's will have the right to bare arms again if UPF gets into a position where we can make this law change."

Now I’ve looked into this and apparently "Aussies" have had the right to bare their arms since Federation, you'd think these guys would know that given how much they like wearing singlets. Another example of them trying to reclaim something they never actually lost I presume.

In addition to his hard line position on sleeves, Mr Burgess, aka the Great Aussie Patriot (or is it Parrot?) is also apparently keen to bear firearms. In fact this appears to be their only stated policy at this stage, and it sounds like a real vote winner. Who could possibly object to the idea of giving a bunch of angry, aggressive, irrational, racist, xenophobic haters unrestricted access to firearms?

This scenario raises two important questions however. Firstly, what are they going to call this new party? The obvious choice would be the National Socialist Party of Australia, but this might lead to it being confused with the Nationals due to the preference of Australians to shorten titles of political parties to the first syllable, for example: the Nats, the Libs, and the Country Liberal Party. Perhaps they could look at rebranding the Nazis in a more Aussie tradition, the Nozis maybe?

The second question is who should lead this rabble? The UPF's leadership currently consists of a triumvirate of charming individuals. There’s the Parrot, famous for his batshit crazy rants on social media; Blair Cottrell, who has a past conviction for arson and has previously called for Mein Kampf to be taught in schools and pictures of Adolf Hitler to be hung in every classroom; and Neil Erikson, who has links to a number of European Neo-Nazi organisations and a past conviction for harassing and stalking a rabbi. Despite these extensive CVs, the atrocious spelling of their posts rules them out. If you can’t cut it with the grammar Nazis, you won’t cut it with the rest of them.

Pauline Hanson is another obvious candidate, a woman who has crafted a message so simplistic that only a complete moron could fail to deliver it coherently. Yet her lack of experience in government - combined with the fact that she is still using the same speech from 1996 with the word ‘Asians’ crossed out and ‘Muslims’ written in its place - suggests she may not have what it takes to lead this nation into a new and glorious Reich.

This leaves one obvious choice: A man who possesses past experience leading this country, and a deluded and irrational obsession with doing so again. A man who has already demonstrated the extent to which he is prepared to put his own narrow opinions and prejudices ahead of minor distractions like fairness, diversity and common bloody sense. A man with the grammatical discipline of a Rhodes scholar.

Who better to lead this party than Anthony John Abbott, the man who summoned up the likes of Burgess, Cottrell and Erickson with his unique brand of dog whistle politics, delivered with the delicately subtle tones of a beginner’s bagpipe recital? Who else can match the destructive insanity of Abbott’s previous term in office, fermented after years of bitter resentment at being stabbed in the back by a bunch of pinkos masquerading as Liberal Party members?

Ladies and gentlemen I present Australia’s future Führer. I hope you all will join me in wishing him the same success and adulation that ultimately befell the last German one.

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