Coalition Government School for the Entitled
Class of 2014 Report Card
Teacher: Mr Abbott
Julie Bishop
Subject: Geography
Being the only girl in class Julie really brightens up the room. Keep it up Julie. A
Joe Hockey
Subject: Economics
Joe has worked hard at his maths this year and can now calculate the distance covered if a car travels at 20 miles per hour for 30 minutes, provided it isn't being driven by a poor person. Good work Joe. A
Scott Morrison
Subject: Human Rights
Scott has been one of our star pupils this year with the school council approving $3.3 billion for his Stop the Boats project. That's more than they will be spending on Research and Development this year and about the same amount that elitist UNHCR school has budgeted to deal with 50 million displaced people worldwide. So obviously Scott is doing some fantastic humanitarian work. A+
Christopher Pyne
Subject: Drama
As school mascot Christopher has done a great job taunting our opponents at sporting events. The school is very proud of Christopher for completing the year without being punched in the face. Well done Christopher. A+
Malcolm Turnbull
Subject: Computer Studies
I hate nerds but Malcolm is the only pupil who knows how to work the school computer. A
Greg Hunt
Subject: Environmental Studies
I look forward to seeing Greg's assignment on preserving delicate ecosystems, once the drilling equipment has been removed. A
George Brandis
Subject: Law
George has worked hard at expanding his knowledge of law, spending $13,000 on text books and another $22,000 on bookshelves. George has put together a library of texts, novels and comic books and I am confident that next year he will progress to reading one of them. George's class work is unintelligible, illogical and often inhumane. He shows great promise as a lawyer. A+
Remedial Class
Eric, Kevin, Matthias, Warren and the other boys have made good progress this year. Their confidence continues to grow with many of them asking probing questions such as "Where am I?" and "Can I go to the toilet?".
Kevin and Eric have been great class helpers often providing facts from their Religious Studies lessons. This has been an invaluable source of teaching material, especially since the Science department mysteriously burnt down at the start of the year. Great work boys. A