Australia needs Tony.
Australia has forgotten its limitations, attempted to become a leader instead of a follower and has developed the dangerous notion that prosperity should benefit more than just the most privileged people in his country.
Who better to lead us back to our proper place in the world than the master of mediocrity, the Steven Bradbury of the polls, the captain of the Carlton Football club of the Australian political league, Anthony John Abbott?
Only Abbott has the vision to provide a slow and archaic broadband system that won't compete with other countries. Only Abbott has the insight to see past a woman's professional and academic achievements and praise her for her sex appeal. Only Abbott is prepared to protect the least vulnerable at the expense of those who have (and therefore deserve) less.
Labor has clumsily attempted to emulate the Coalition on asylum seekers but only Abbott has the enthusiasm to actually enjoy denying the rights to asylum seekers that he enjoyed when he arrived here by boat in the 1960s.
Tony Abbott understands the Australian people. He knows we don't want to be bored by accurate economic statistics, policies or costings. Abbott knows that the true test of leadership is to convince the electorate that a perfectly well functioning economy is actually stuffed so that he can take the credit for fixing it once he's elected and the media start talking about how the economy is actually performing again.
Abbott and his team are an inspiration to anyone who ever hoped to achieve success without talent, vision or hard work. Who better to represent the average Australian that the most average person ever to set foot in the lodge?
Australia needs Tony.