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The Thai is Falling!

by Thai Tanic

Can there be any doubt that Vajiralongkorn, Phrabat Somdet Phra Vajira Klao Chao Yu Hua, King of Thailand, is the best ruler in the world? Despite this, sadly, many people in Thailand are arguing for reform of the monarchy. Some, infected by Western propaganda, have even argued for more democracy, civil and human rights, and even a republic. These arguments are anti-monarchy and therefore anti-Thai. Surely it cannot be denied that the rights and freedoms of every Thai citizen are granted by the sacred benevolence of the King?

It is true that the so-called "reform" proponents are university students. Clearly, their youth and incomplete education are at least partially responsible for their impetuous and disloyal attitudes. In the past, there were only a few cases a year of people insulting the King and now there are hundreds. Perhaps the Internet is to blame? It is indeed wise that our majestic Computer Crime Act now bars material that is detrimental to national security or causes panic.

In case there is any doubt I shall rebut the summary of demands on reform of the monarchy from the ill-educated youth, these bad students. Just look at the first reform: "Revoke the King's immunity against lawsuits". Clearly, this is ludicrous; the King is the Law, and the law must have immunity to itself. Otherwise, laws would have to change, and our laws are perfect. When the King changes laws they become even more perfect!

The second proposed reform is similar; "Revoke lèse majesté law, give amnesty to every persecuted individual", clearly the protestors do not understand. You can't revoke lèse majesté law, because that would insult the law itself, and even against all that is holy. The Constitution says: "The King shall be enthroned in a position of revered worship and shall not be violated." Revered worship! Don't the protestors realize that in 1978 the then prince was ordained as a monk at Wat Phra Sri Rattana Satsadaram (Temple of the Emerald Buddha)? Following the tradition of our great royals, he stayed at Wat Bowonniwet Vihara for 15 days. It during this time, at age 26, he became more Enlightened than Gautama. That is why he must be worshipped, he is King and Buddha. We all know that the Thai people are the greatest humans, but the King is the greatest Thai. He is not just human, but superhuman.

Other so-called reforms attack the King's finances, which means attacking Thai finances; "Separate the King's personal and royal assets", "Reduce the budget allocated to the monarchy", "Abolish the Royal Offices and unnecessary units", "Open assets of the monarchy to audit", the reformers demand. But you can't do that, because the King is the wealth of the country. All the assets belong to the King, all the budget belongs to the King. Whose head is on our coins? It is the King, and even those Christians understand that; "Render unto King Vajiralongkorn that which is King Vajiralongkorn's", and that means all the money. Without the King there would be no money. The wise Yasinee Tongsibjed says that parents should write their children out of the will if they support the proposed reforms. I propose that they should not be allowed to use the King's money at all!

The last four proposed reforms want to limit the King's role in politics. "Cease the King's power to give public political comments", "Cease propaganda around the King", "Investigate the murders of commentators or critics of the monarchy", "Forbid the King to endorse future coups." These are all in error. The King must be able to speak in public about politics because he is the public and he is politics. Therefore, it is not propaganda, but fact. Nor is it murder if his critics are removed, because murder is unlawful killing and the killing of his critics is lawful because the King is the law, and to argue against this requires spurious logic.

The demonstrators want to reform the monarchy, but they are anti-monarchy and disloyal. I want reforms as well, but I am pro-monarchy and loyal. I believe all Thai citizens should be graded according to their loyalty. This will provide a security clearance and access to goods and services, such as air, water, food, and housing, all of which our most benevolent King provides. We should use the colors of the rainbow, because Thai rainbows are the most beautiful rainbows. People can wear special shirts in the color of their loyalty. At the bottom should be Infrared, for those who are not really people at all, but they can do work for the colorful citizens. Then Red, which is the lowest citizen. If a Red citizen becomes more loyal, then they can become an Orange citizen, then Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, and Violet. Loyalty will be rewarded. Beyond Violet is the Royal Family, the world's most perfect Royal Family (much more perfect than the Kim royal family of North Korea), and the brightest glowing ultravoilet light is the King.

Being a citizen of Thailand is fun. The King is our friend! The King wants us to be happy. If you are not happy, you must volunteer as a human mine detector on the Cambodian border. Disloyal citizens say that the King is crazy, but really the King is happy. The King will help you become happy, too. Maybe this will drive some of you crazy. Being a citizen of Thailand is fun. The King says so and the King is your friend. Finding out traitors will make you happy, the King tells you so. How can you possibly doubt The King? This is, after all, the Land of Smiles. Being a citizen of Thailand is fun. The King tells you so, and the King is right. Citizens sometimes are shot at, stabbed, incinerated, stapled, mangled, poisoned, blown to bits, and occasionally accidentally executed. This is so much fun that many citizens go crazy. All of us work alongside many citizens. Some of them carry krabongs. Aren't you glad you have a krabong?

Isn't this fun? There are many traitors in Thailand. There are many happy citizens in Thailand. Sometimes the happy citizens are crazy. It is hard to say which is more dangerous - traitors or happy citizens. Watch out for both of them. The life of a loyal citizen is full of surprises. Stay alert! Trust no one! Keep your krabong handy! You must search out, reveal, and destroy the enemies of the King! For this is the Land of Smiles, where happiness is mandatory, and we will have a special Happiness Police to ensure that is the case.


Photo released by Bureau of the Royal Household, Thailand's King Maha Vajiralongkorn Bodindradebayavarangkun, left, sits with Queen Suthida Vajiralongkorn Na Ayudhya at Ampornsan Throne Hall in Bangkok, Thailand, Wednesday, May 1, 2019. Thailand's King Maha Vajiralongkorn has appointed his consort as the country's queen. An announcement in the Royal Gazette said Suthida Vajiralongkorn Na Ayudhya is legally married to the 66-year-old king, and is now Queen Suthida. (Bureau of the Royal Household via AP).

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