Dear President Trump,
We in Australia read with dismay that you were rude and disrespectful during a phone conversation with our esteemed Prime Minister Malcolm Trumble. Frankly sir, this reflects very poorly on your understanding of international diplomacy, and in particular your understanding of US-Australian relations.
Australian Prime Ministers have a long and proud tradition of sucking up to US Presidents. Yet not since William Stanley Bruce has this nation elected so consummate a lickspittle as Mr Trumble to be our Prime Minister.
There is no Statesman, World Leader or Russian prostitute more willing to satisfy your ambitions than Mr Trumble, and it's not just presidential arse he's adept at smooching. Mr Trumble has been steadfastly resolute in selling out to every homophobe, climate change denier, and right-wing nut job in his party.
As Prime Minister, Mr Trumble has consistently demonstrated that there is no principle too strongly held to abandon, no commitment too firmly made to back away from, no position too humiliating to get into, for the sake of those who hold his position to ransom. A ransom he is prepared to fork out $1.75 million of his own money to pay.
So lay off our PM President Trump. It's time you showed him the respect and admiration you can clearly see he's earned from his party, the nation and our parliament. We all hope that that you will show a great deal more respect to the next Australian PM when they phone to introduce themselves in a few months time.
Sincerely,
Australia